Finding my Joy, my "better"
- Faithful Farmgirl
- May 23, 2023
- 3 min read
When I first began my career, I had one clear goal: to constantly better myself. At the time, I believed that meant more education, better pay, higher positions—because that’s what society teaches us, right? I chased all of it relentlessly… and I almost killed myself doing it. I literally had a heart attack. (And if I don’t laugh about my health, I’d cry—and the end of the school year already brings enough tears.)
I drove over an hour one way, three nights a week, on a compressed schedule, all in the name of “bettering myself.” I left positions I loved just to “move up.” I took on not only my own problems, but everyone else’s too. I tried to fix the world—thinking if I could just make everyone else happy, it would somehow be worth it. I worked myself to the bone, missed precious time with my family, and spent hours on the phone during important moments, solving problems that weren’t even mine.
And for what?Did it make me better?Did I earn more respect?Did I gain financially?
No.
During that time, I was called to be a Christian women’s speaker. I knew what God was asking of me, but I gave Him every excuse in the book. I didn’t have time. I wasn’t ready. I was too busy. Instead of things improving, they only got worse. God placed people in my life to guide me, but I was so consumed with my own definition of “bettering myself” that I couldn’t see what true growth really looked like.
Then life hit hard.
I lost my father.I lost a best friend.I faced ongoing health issues and countless wake-up calls.I lost all of my material things in a tornado.
I reached my breaking point.
I was miserable—at my job, in my location, in my social life (or lack of one), and most painfully, in my walk with Christ.
That’s when I finally surrendered for real.
I prayed, “God, I’m done with me—done with my way. I’m all yours. I don’t even know what to pray for anymore, but I ask for Your will. I give You everything I have. Make me Yours.”
I had said similar prayers before, but this time was different. I was at rock bottom. God had humbled me beyond humble—and I meant it with my whole being.
I decided to quit my job.
Yes, quit.
When I went to explain the resignation I planned to submit in a few weeks, I was told there was an opening in the very job where I had started my career. I could be transferred into that position. I didn’t hesitate—I leaped. I stood in awe as I realized that before one door had even closed, God had already opened another.
That summer, I cleaned out my office and prepared to return to the classroom. Each day, my excitement grew. I had more time with God. I spent more time in His Word. I attended World Changers, Winter Extreme, and Women of Joy. I allowed myself to be fed spiritually again. I focused on loving others, serving others, and rediscovering my joy.
God began teaching me what it truly means to “better myself.”
Not perfect myself—because that will never happen—but become a better Christian each day through His grace and mercy, which never fail. Life is still hard. Some days I don’t understand why things happen the way they do. But I know this: God is with me every step of the way, giving me exactly what I need to make it through each moment.
As I look back over the past year, I can see how everything fell into place once I gave God control of the pieces. I stopped forcing decisions and trusted Him instead. I took a much-needed break from striving and focused on finding joy, loving like Jesus, and trusting His promises.
Today, as I spend my final moments with some of my students, there are tears. I work with students with moderate to severe disabilities, and they have such an incredible purpose in this world. They touch my heart and soul every single day. God uses them to shape me, teach me, and remind me what truly matters.
They help make me “better.”
And it all began with this prayer:
“God, I want to see You.I want to feel You.I want to hear You.I want to know You.And even before I know what today will bring,I say yes to You, Lord.”
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